Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?