Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away