Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

I will never stop laughing at this

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

can’t wait til they legalize outside

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?