Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
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“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.