Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.