*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”
Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
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For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
[at wife’s office party]
wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille
me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie
mugger: give me your money
me: what service do u provide
mugger: i uh..hmm. i mug
me: how much do u charge
mugger: …all. all ur money
me: be honest with yourself.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?