Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

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*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you


For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.


I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.


My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.


Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]


Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.


[at wife’s office party]

wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille

me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie


mugger: give me your money

me: what service do u provide

mugger: i uh..hmm. i mug

me: how much do u charge

mugger: …all. all ur money

me: be honest with yourself.

mugger: $10.


mugger: $7?

me: deal


DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me


IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?