Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

saving face 👀

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.