Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
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Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
😭😭
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
For the ones in the back.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together