Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
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Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Bloody internet 😳
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Fiction has to make sense.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]