Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
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Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
i want it utterly assaulted.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
water it, i dare you
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.