Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs