Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
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“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.