Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
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ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
How tf did it end up there?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.