Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
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If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Lmao
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!