Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
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“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”