8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
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🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.