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@Sickayduh: Hey, guy who named the mustache
Hair lip was available
@Parkerlawyer: Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this....Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
@AphroditeAfter5: I do have a swimmers body, he's been in my trunk for days
@EndhooS: Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why'd u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
@wilw: Dog: I like pizza. Me: You've never had pizza. Dog: It's food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I'm not giving you my pizza.
@_ElvishPresley_: detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers