Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
You Might Also Like
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Mountain Goat : )
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.