Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.