Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
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ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
very niche meme I made
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?