hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
You Might Also Like
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.