hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
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would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
thank god
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
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