hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?