Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
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I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
new record!
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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*