Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Uh oh 👀
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
