Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
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THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude