Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

This could’ve been an email.

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

*frowns in Scottish*

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.