Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

For those that worship cheese..

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down

necessity is the mother of invention

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT