hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Here to help
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
