hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Breaking news:
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Not today
