hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
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Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
(Electricians.)
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.