hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Leaving the Barbers like
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
meow
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
