Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
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think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
This is amazing.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
😭😭😭
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.