Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
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Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”