Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
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New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I don’t get marriage
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I think my mom just blocked me
