Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

Aw man, but that’s the best part

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

Digital security in Ancient Troy

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,