hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair

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M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee


ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.


You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.


Dear Canadians,

Who’s the cutest little nation?
You are!
Yes you are!

*pinches cheeks*


Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?


I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.


*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*


Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”


Was gonna be a professional quarterback but I didn’t wanna injure my chip dipping arm.