Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!