Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Covid like

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair