Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
You Might Also Like
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT