Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
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Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
step 6: release the wall snake
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
that de-escalated quickly
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked