Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
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You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
me 2 months after i graduated
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both