Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
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Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
