hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
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[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
This could be us but you eatin’
Joker: wait, you take photos of yourself and sell them to the paper where you work, to your boss who hates you?
Spider-Man: yea.
Joker: lol
Spider-Man: lmao
Joker: LMAO
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit