hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
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me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
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Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
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-incompatible peanut butter types
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If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
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Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
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— Centipede parents
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
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KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
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Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
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Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
HERE’S MARKY
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
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