Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.