Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
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My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am