Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
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Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.