@NakedWhiteAss

Hey guys, which cell phone provider drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

@LOUD_Thoughts_

People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?

Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.

@morninggloria

A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets

@UncleDuke1969

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

@TarzanFeathers

Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.

@Storminika

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

@adamhess1

Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.