I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Hey guys, which cell phone provider drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
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People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.
Nine months if things go really wrong.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.