I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Hey guys, which cell phone provider drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
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Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
*okay, he can’t find out I’m a wolf*
IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR BABY SHE LOOKS DELICIOUS
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
the best insult ever is “who is this clown” because
1. you’re calling them a clown
2. you’re saying they’re not even a well known clown
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”