Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

“Let them fake cake”

Marie Internette

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator