Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
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WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
*sewing*
A thread
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.