Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
You Might Also Like
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
oh good, now I can stop drinking
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.