Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
You Might Also Like
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
at ease…shoulder.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe