Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Hoping to spice up my evening
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
A friend helps you before you need it
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.