Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
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12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Haha! 😂
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
#Caturday
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy