Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
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[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.