Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
You Might Also Like
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]