“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Knock Knock
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division