“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.