“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.