“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called