“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
when someone rings the doorbell
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
BRAKING NEWS!!
