“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭