Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

I’m an avid indoorsman.

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.