“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Oh my God.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?