Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
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Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
B
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks