Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
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What?
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.