Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

look at me when i’m typing to you

men are simple creatures

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.