“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
Every work meeting this week
sweet dreams💖
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.