“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Green is just blue that someone peed in
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
huge if true: the moon
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total