“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.