*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
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Everytime I check my facebook I remember why i’m on Twitter.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.