@JasonNotEvil

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

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@Ideal_Victoria

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

@heyitsJudeD

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

@DeanOkay

Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.

@JamieGreenlees

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

@timdonakowski

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

@kimlockhartga

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

@Darlainky

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

@Wakenbake77

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.