Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
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I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.